I’m having trouble with writing here.
What to say when you’ve been given a new set of eyes?
I could write about our move out of one house and into another. I could write about the emotion of signing dotted lines and turning the page and starting new and cardboard boxes. But then I just think of the kids I saw on the side of the street who have no home to move in and out of.
I could write about Rowan and his inability to speak, and how it’s tying me up in knots of anxiety and it winds him up into frustrated frenzy. But then I think of the kids I met whose mothers abandoned them and nobody cared about whether or not they spoke. I think of the silent kids.
I could write about the long days and heavy hearts and how summer has outworn its welcome here. About how rafting season has once again taken its toll and we are ragged and worn through. But then I think of the family of 10 and the dad doesn’t have a job.
I could write about politics and how I’m fed up and nothing works and isn’t it all a joke? But then I think of the people who live under oppression with no freedom and even the policemen who swear to protect are crooked and corrupt and rob the dignity out from underneath their people.
I could write about our education system and how it doesn’t work and how I’m terrified of making choices for my child based on the options that we’re given. But then I think about the kids who don’t have options. I think about the young girls who have been killed because they want to learn. Or the kids who walk for two hours, some without shoes, to a school with little to no educational supplies. Or the teachers who live on less than a dollar a day, but continue to do so because they believe in the power of education.
Nothing sits right anymore. Nothing is the same. I hear words like “poverty fatigue” and it makes me laugh because we know absolutely nothing of the fatigue that poverty burdens on its victims.
What a horrible term. Poverty fatigue. Too tired to read about the poor.
You know what? I’m tired, too. I’m tired of being reminded everywhere I turn. I’m tired of not knowing how to reconcile what I experienced and how I live as an American. I’m tired of never knowing what to say.
But my friend, Ann, told me God has called me into this place. She told me to stay broken. Because we’re never broken for nothing. It’s always for something and it’s always for His good Name and Glory. I cling to that when I don’t know what to say.
I don’t want to become numb to the seeing. I don’t want to become desensitized to the pain. I need to know it and feel it because that’s fuel for action. I got my shot in the arm and every day I rip off the band aid with remembering.
Still, the world spins madly on and I spin, too, here in this life I’ve got with the furniture and air conditioned rooms and a fridge full of food. It’s all a gift, so maybe now I just work to steward it well. To count them out, one by one, each slice of good that sits on my plate.
Counting, again.
291. Chilly mornings.
292. Finger paint & how it rarely ends up on paper.
293. New ideas for fresh ink on both skin and paper.
294. Modern medicine.
295. A cold Dr. Pepper on a hot day by the pool.
296. Shoes.
297. Small beads that help me remember to pray.
298. Dogs that snuggle when he’s gone.
299. Goodnight stories and goodnight kisses.
300. Fresh starts.










































